Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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