In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
