Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
