I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
