i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
