just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
