did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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