I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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