He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
