My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
farters have to be the big spoon...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
