Best friends brother. Beat that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
