I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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