She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
