$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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