Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
