I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
