i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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