so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am one with the molecules
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
