OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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