I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
