I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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