Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was born a porn star she said
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
