I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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