omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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