i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
