Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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