Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I skipped work to stalk him.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Everclear isn't food dammit
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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