Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
