Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
