OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
