I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
