Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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