i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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