I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
NoShamevember. You game?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
