Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
