Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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