I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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