A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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