i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
