Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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