After last night, I could never be a politician.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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