Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
