Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
