Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
