you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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