see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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