After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
