My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Even my vagina gasped.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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