I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
