I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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