I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
