Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
