i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
